i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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