My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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