I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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