if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
