dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
