i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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