Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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