i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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