Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
