She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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