Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
