She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
