dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize