Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
