I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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