New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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