I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
