just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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