You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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