u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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