OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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