you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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