we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
