Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
