This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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