When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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