I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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