Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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