Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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