she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
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