True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
