o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
