My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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