my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize