And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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