I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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