fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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