my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
