I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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