I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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