My liver just broke up with me...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
