he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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