Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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