Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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