i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
