Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize