the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
