I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
