I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
