My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
