my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
