I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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