How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
