Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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