Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
