Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
