I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
