the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
