oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
