Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
