Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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